Finding Light in the Dark

Hi everyone! I hope you all are well and had a great 2 weeks. Again I am so sorry for not being super consistent in my posts, I pinky promise this will be the last time this happens. Between school and the still current family situation, I had to put them both first instead of putting out an entry last week. I am coming into the home stretch with school as I entire my last marking period, and my workload has definitely ramped up quite a bit before spring break.

An update on Cate: she is still at the hospital and we are going on 6 weeks that she has been in the hospital. She is still in a pattern where it is one step forward, three steps backward. We have a glimpse that she will leave the hospital and she has maybe two good days, and then something else comes up and there is another issue to solve. We as a family are also still working on where Cate will go hopefully when she is released from the hospital in the future, and the solution is coming together.

An update on me: I am overall doing pretty well. I am looking forward to my birthday and summer. I am in the last grading period for school, which is very exciting because I can not wait for it to be over. I usually love school, but the COVID version of school makes me strongly dislike it. My social life has been great. I have been surrounding myself with amazing friends and have been looking ahead to my junior year prom in May. In regards to the still current family situation, I have been feeling very frustrated and irritated.

This situation obviously has been extremely difficult, but what has been wearing on me the most is the length and never ending feeling this time has brought. We are in our sixth week of this entire situation, and all I feel is frustration, and I feel bad or guilty that I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated that over my spring break I could not go visit colleges like all my friends. I feel frustrated that I do not get to have both of my parents at home. I feel frustrated that there is so much unknown. I feel frustrated that my emotions keep changing because the situation we are in keeps changing. It is so hard because at this point in time, I keep thinking selfish thoughts and want things to be better for me and me only, but I have to remain selfless, and it just makes me feel guilty for thinking the way I do.

These past 2 weeks have been an emotional battle for me. The week of March 22 was very hard for me. I felt very numb and not like myself. I was irritable and cranky and just overall not Alex. For those who know me in day to day life, I am an extremely happy and chatty person, but I was not any of those things that week. Throughout this entire time, I have kept a brave face on. I remained happy to people outside my family and my overall demeanor did not change. Last week though, was the first time the frustration and the effects of Cate's health showed to other people. I just could not manage to put my brave face on, and people noticed. I was just so drained. I realized that I was keeping myself too busy to the point where I was not allowing myself to cope and/or acknowledge my own emotions. I am always very in-tune with my emotions and thoughts, but I had unknowingly disconnected from them. I realized I needed a little bit of time to think, and luckily I was able to give myself it.

I am currently on spring break, and for the first time in a while I actually had a little bit of time, and this week has been a lot better. My parents also were able to both be home for the day for the first time in 5 weeks because someone else was cleared to stay with Cate. We also got to go eat dinner outside at a restaurant together. I had no plans or places to be all of break, so I just made my schedule at my leisure and did things that made me happy. Another thing that helped me get through that rough period and this entire situation was going to therapy. I was able to speak about my feelings to someone not involved in the situation and it was mentally clearing for me. I have spoken about the importance of therapy before, but I cannot emphasize how important it is to have an emotional outlet in tough situations and just for life in general.

That is pretty much what has been going on these past 2 weeks and I apologize again for my lack of presence in posting here and on Instagram. I just needed a little time and space to straighten out emotions and find my smile again. I have learned throughout my entire life and these past 5 weeks that no matter how hard times become, there is always a reason to smile and find light in a sea of darkness. It is a motto or idea I have always lived by, but these past 5 weeks have shown me how powerful it truly can be.

Thank you for reading. Much love and have a great week ahead.

-Alex